Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Entries from the Republican-English Dictionary

[lifted straight from Mark Kleiman]

In case you've been having trouble recently in deciphering speeches and news reports:

alternative energy sources (n.) New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy (n.) A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.

burning bush (n.) A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire.

Cheney, Dick (n.) The greater of two evils.

class warfare (n.) Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change (n.) Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism (n.) Poignant concern for the very wealthy

creation science (n.) Pseudoscience that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental

DeLay, Tom (n.) Past tense of De Lie

extraordinary rendition (n.) Outsourcing torture

faith (n.) The belief that the Beatitudes include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the warmakers."

free markets (n.) Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense

God (n.) Senior presidential adviser

growth (n.) 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.

healthy forest (n.) No tree left behind

honesty (n.) Lies told in simple declarative sentences, e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives (n.) Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million (See Senate)

in the national interest (adj. phr.) 1. Conducive to the election of Republicans. 2. Beneficial to Republican contributors.

laziness (n.) When the poor are not working

leisure time (n.) When the wealthy are not working

liberal(s) (n.) Followers of the Antichrist

No Child Left Behind (riff) 1. There are always jobs in the military. 2. The rapture

ownership society (n.) 1. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth 2. A political system in which all power is in the hands of the owners

Patriot (n.) Bush supporter.

Patriot Act (n.) 1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us

pro-life (adj.) Valuing human life up until birth

Real American (n.) See Patriot.

Religion (n.) Christianity

Senate (n.) Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million

simplify (v.) To reduce, especially to cut the taxes of Republican donors

staying the course (gerund phrase) Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results. (See: insanity.)

stuff happens (idiom) I don't have to live in Baghdad.

treason (n.) Criticism of George W. Bush

voter fraud (n.) A significant minority turnout

woman (n.) 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place

2 comments:

S.W. Anderson said...

That's pretty good, but I take exception to the "free markets" definition. It's too narrow.

I think this a more fitting one:

Free markets (n.) The meaning of life.

Pooh said...

What-ever the non-hack version of "heh" is, I say that. We need to come up with a left-equivalent of "heh", I feel.