Thursday, June 01, 2006

Permanently blind opposing free-throw shooters!*


While perusing the bevy of excellent posts over at Glenn Greenwald's, I was struck by a blogad on his site for military-grade laser pointers. Does anybody not up-to-no-good really need something like that? The blogad boasts, "Used by the US Army! Slash, Cut Tape, Pop Balloons, Ignite Matches, Light Cigarettes, Sizzle Plastic, and Start Fires!"

Yeah, as if the merely annoying laser pointers at concerts and basketball games isn't bad enough we need dangerous ones?!? I clicked through to find out more...

The site includes a chart of features (see right) with some cute little "international-style" icons for "pop balloons" and "Make holes in trash bags." Disposable 99¢ Bic lighters are bleeding you smokers dry? Not to worry, your two thousand dollar laser can light your cigarette, but be careful holding it up to your face, as it will also "melt plastic" and "heal open cuts"...

And, of course, after giving you ideas for all sorts of trouble, there is the requisite disclaimer that this product is for legitimate uses only.

To their credit, the company links to a rather funny Wired testimonial:
" Why do I need a laser pointer with a range of 14 miles that can melt a garbage bag? Look, if you have to ask, you'll never understand me, baby. I mean, I might have to give a PowerPoint presentation at the Rose Bowl. Or what if we go hiking? I could be all, "No, no -- not that alp. I climbed the other alp..."

The bright (ahem) side? The more powerful lasers that pop, melt and light stuff on fire cost $999-$3499, hopefully keeping them out of the hands of all but the most wealthy degenerates.

Have fun shooting down the giant moon at your next Bowie concert...

(*Slight exaggeration.)

3 comments:

S.W. Anderson said...

I suspect this doesn't bode well for the eyesight of cops, security guards and maybe even our military troops, in certain circumstances.

The fun part will come when the NRA tries to capitalize on attempts to reglulate these things, suddenly discovering a sacred Second Amendment right of every citizen to own and carry a cornea-scarring laser weapon.

Mr Furious said...

I'm unclear as to the tactical advantage of a laser sight that reveals the position of the user, as these would...

Insurgent 1: "Get down! There's a sniper!"

Insurgent 2: "Can you make him?"

Insurgent 1: "Yeah, follow the red line up to that tower and take him out with your RPG"

"Insurgent 2: "I must avenge my popped balloon! Praise Allah!"

Mr Furious said...

Or for that matter, alerts security as to your exact location at the game...