Saturday, September 05, 2009

The Furious Rules: “I’m Bringin’ the Liam.”

Mrs F just asked me “if I heard about the guy in Georgia who slapped a stranger's two-year-old in the face?”


I don't even have the full story, yet adrenaline is gushing into my body.

She continues, “This guy threatened a mom whose two-year-old was having a tantrum in WalMart, ‘if you don't shut that kid up, I will.’ He followed the mother and child into the next aisle where he slapped the child across the face four times."

Holy shit—if that was my kid—they'd've been vacuuming that man out of the carpet after slap number one.

This discussion took place just after the four of us returned from Target and Lowe's and it was easy for me to picture the whole thing going down.

I've never struck a person in my life, but you better believe the one thing that would trigger a Wolverinesque berserker rage would be someone striking my child.

Then Mrs. F goes to the story on, hits the video, and I just about lose my shit.

On anchor Rick Sanchez.

His report starts with the words, "What would you do—" and my brain, naturally, finishes the sentence with, "if a stranger struck your child?"

But that's NOT what he says.

"What would you do—seriously—what would you do, to get a kid to stop crying?" Sanchez asks.

Are you for fucking real, you asshole? That's your fucking angle? Right after I'm done burying that child-abusing motherfucker in WalMart, I'm coming for you next, Sanchez.

"What would you do" about somebody else's tantruming kid is walk the fuck away. And when you report a story about some sadistic asshole that didn't, you check your "smug" at the fucking door. Yeah, this story is unusual, but it ain't a goddamn novelty—it's an outrage. To frame this as if the two-year-old is anything but a victim of violence is ridiculous.


Mrs F: "If someone laid their hands on my kid—that's the last time they'd have hands." [I laugh] "Seriously," she continues, "I'd head right to 'Kitchens' for a knife and give them a custom amputation."

Kudos and h/t to Supermom for the story and the Liam Neeson "Taken" reference.


steves said...

I don't think I could say exactly what I would do, since much of it would depend upon what was available and I can guarantee that he wouldn't have gotten close enough to slap my kid.

What would I do if someone's kid was throwing a tantrum? Nothing. Walk away. It is none of my damn business. I certainly wouldn't commit a battery. I just spent 10 days at Disneyworld and was around dozens of kids that were throwing fits. In some cases, it was annoying. If anything, I get annoyed at the parents that just ignore the kid and just let them roll around, yelling and screaming.

Surly Rob said...

I didn't think sanchez' angle was that bad. although i agree, i wouldn't have lead in that way.

the thing that really blows my mind, is this was a TWO YEAR OLD!

It's wrong if the kid is 200 years old, but a 2 year old? really?

That's insane.

Bob said...

"If anything, I get annoyed at the parents that just ignore the kid and just let them roll around, yelling and screaming."

Yet sometimes that's the best way to handle it.

Hasn't the guy in Georgia ever seen a two year old throw a tantrum? That's kinda what 2 year olds do from time to time.

I don't know what I would do either. Chances are blind rage would kick in. Hopefully I wouldn't be alone so my wife could watch the kid while I beat the guy bloody.

I might even pop the guy if I was just a witness.

steves said...

Yet sometimes that's the best way to handle it.

True, but not in the middle of Walmart. A better choice (IMO) is to take the kid out of the store and let them calm themselves down in the car. I have left a cart full of stuff on several occasions when my daughter was acting out in a store and I have also gotten my food "to go" and left a restaurant. I never felt it was fair to subject others to my screaming child.

Consequently, she no longer takes the fit approach to getting what she wants (for the most part).

FWIW, based on the criminal charge, this guy is looking at 5 to 10 years in prison.

Bob said...

"I never felt it was fair to subject others to my screaming child."

Agreed. I have done the same. Yet it seems that many kids, when throwing a tantrum are calmed in short order when you walk away.

That said my kids tantrums are usually only short bursts.

Bob said...

"FWIW, based on the criminal charge, this guy is looking at 5 to 10 years in prison."


BTW - I haven't been in a Walmart in years, but someone once pointed out something that was true: Whenever you are in Walmart isn't someone always slapping the crap out of their kid?

Mrs. Smitty said...

I think no one but that mom knows how long her kid was throwing a tantrum or how bad it was. Sometimes you just want to finish what you are there for and get the hell out as fast as possible.

I too thought I would slug the guy for hitting my kid and have heard people condemn the mom for not reacting. But thinking about it further - I would be so shocked that someone did that I might not react right away either. She got the guy arrested, that was probably the most sane and adult thing to do.

Mr Furious said...

No question, Mrs Smitty. It's impossible for me (or any of us, really) to know what would happen in the moment. If it came totally out of the blue, I might be so shocked I'd freeze for a moment—but I'm pretty confident animal instinct would kick in and I'd go apeshit on the guy.

As I said, I've never been in a real fight in my life, and would normally do just about anything to avoid one. In this situation, I might very well get the worst of it—but I think it would be one of those adrenaline-fueled super-human strength moments (where moms can lift cars off of their kids) and I'd be like a goddamn tornado of fists.

Mr Furious said...

The real moment of truth I am unsure about is when the guy threatened the parent. I actually don't think he would have said it to a father (man), but you never know.

If someone said that shit to me, I probably would have been so taken aback for a moment I wouldn't know how to react. At that point I'd probably go into protection mode and get between my kids and this maniac and move away (sort of a much less scary version of the armed robbery).

If the guy seemed serious and/or dangerous, I wouldn't be concerned about anything except getting my kids out of there, and I'd leave the tough guy shit for someone who's actually tough.

And you bet your ass I'd be calling the cops.

If I were an ex-Marine bad-ass?...

Smitty said...

2 broken arms and 2 broken hands. "Hard to wipe your own ass now, isn't it, dickhead?? Now, like a 2-year-old, you gotta have someone else wipe your ass."

A few stomps for good measure, followed by a recitation of some of R. Lee Ermey's finest quips from Full Metal Jacket, which I tend to bust-out as-needed. Helps to be able to back-up your threats!

There have been several times I have flown into a protection mode, and it's hard, because I restrain myself enough so that a child doesn't have to witness violence of an extreme measure (Doctrine of Overwhelming Force), but it's definitely a lot more than "a stern talking-to."

This pathetic fuck even looks like a fucking Neanderthal. Sloped forehead and all. Nothing you can do with a skull that thick, I have found, other than to hit it with something made of steel, preferably stainless or tempered, and at least 1/8" thick.

Sort of like what I skulled a pitbull with a few weeks ago.

Mr Furious said...

Like I said, "ex-marine bad-ass."

Mrs F'll have your back on the pitbull.

They're fucking ubiquitous around here, and I always prep myself for dog attack defense strategy... (I can throw the kids on top of that car, while I bludgeon the dog with my $1,000 camera...that kind of stuff.)

That is one situation when I wish I carried a sidearm, or at least a softball bat. I will put that dog into the ground before it has a chance to land my 2-year-old on the front page.

The Wal-Mart situation is one where I'm glad I'm unarmed, because I would probably have shot him.

Smitty said...

A pitbull attacked my neighbor's dumb-assed beagle a few weeks ago, and there were lots of kids around to 1) see it; and 2) be targets 2, 3, 4 and so on.

I ran outside, armed with the one thing within arms-reach: my 1/8-inch thick, 9-inch long brontosaurus burger spatula. Serrated edge. I ran to the swirling mass of dog, waited for the pitbull to spin around enough to present its skull to me, which it obligingly did. I hit it so hard on the head that the spatula bent into an L shape...and for all the good it did, I might well have been just scratching it behind the ears.

My neighbor herded children inside and I grabbed my garden hose. Full force blast right into the pitbull's mouth. It backed off. He stared at me, I stared at him. I advanced, and got him again with my powerwasher-force hose right on the nose. He...ran. Away.

The worst part: our neighborhood has NO pitbulls. I know it's America, and you can own what you want, but we are an ex-urban neighborhood with LOTS of kids, LOTS of dogs and almost NO fences. This dick visits a friend the next subdivision over, and allows his 11 year old daughter to walk his pitbull through our quaint slice o' suburban hell. Out comes my neighbor's idiot beagle, bark bark bark, and pitbull charges. Kids everywhere, screaming and running around like wiggly lunch sacks.

The pitbull owner came to my house afterwards (after I got the pitbull away and back to the crying 11 year old, i told her to bring her dad to THIS house RIGHT OVER HERE and obligingly she did) and tearfully apologized. I told him he lost his walking-around-this-neighborhood privileges. I told him that the next time I saw his dog in our neighborhood full of KIDS and DOGS and NO FENCES, either animal control was getting called OR there is a 5.56mm steel-jacketed AR-15 round with PITBULL scratched into it.

Seriously. I don't advocate for genocide, but pitbull is a breed we need to seriously rethink. Those things are ticking time bombs.

And what do all pitbull owners say after there dog chomps another dog or a kid? And what did THIS pitbull owner say to me?? "He's such a good dog...I just don't understand..."

Why? Why did the Marines level half of Mogadishu? They're such good dogs...

Mrs Furious said...

WORD. I do not fucking mess around. I have zero tolerance for pitbulls. If we're out and I see one at the parks, etc, we are back in the car.
Yeah, yeah, it's not the dog... it's how it's raised.

Two things:

1) I won't know which your dog is until my toddler is dead.

2) Worst case scenario with my dog... he bites you and you bleed (maybe) he's bred to sit in your lap. A pitbull is bred to have disproportionate jaw strength. EVERY dog is capable of biting. A *nice* pitbull is provoked and even it can KILL YOU.

hose... nice one

Mrs Smitty,
agreed. I like to think I'm a bad ass in my own mind. But the truth is I'm a VERY small woman. A man takes my kid from me. I will certainly be stunned... and while I will want to hurt him... how do you know what he'll do next? And without any other adult with you... your goal is going to be not traumatizing your kid further. But I would be feeling the rage.
Like Mr F said.... as soon as I was threatened there would have been some serious distance put between us. That would have rattled me enough to notify security on my way out.

Supermom said...

Don't even get me started on pitbulls. Hate them. Wish they would all go away!!!!

I would have been in total shock had that happened.

As for the weird walmart man, I wonder what will happen to him!

I am still outraged about the biker getting shot in his helmet months ago. The asshole that shot at him got off with a slap on the wrist! You know my hubs bikes and takes Lil O, so now I have to worry about something else!

Anyway, I am glad we all like "Liam" phrases. I watched the movie Taken and his character is my hero!!

Mr Furious said...

Holy shit! WTF? I think I have my next blog topic!

Supermom said...

Mr F!!!!

You didn't know about this?!??!?