Nelson Award: Douglas Holtz-Eakin

McCain Campaign health care advisor Douglas Holtz-Eakin is finding out first-hand how shitty the current health insurance system is.

If history had taken a different course, Doug Holtz-Eakin would be inside the McCain White House driving the Republican president's domestic agenda, including health-care reform. But now, one year after Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) lost the presidential election, the man who was by McCain's side as the campaign's top health-care guru remains unemployed -- and his COBRA health coverage is running out.

Irony of ironies, it gets worse. Holtz-Eakin, who is about to start shopping for insurance on the individual market, is 51. And he has one of those pesky "preexisting conditions" that insurance companies often cite in denying coverage.

[...] Holtz-Eakin said he's been paying about $1,000 a month to extend the private health insurance he received on McCain's campaign through the government's COBRA program, but that will expire in a few months. This is the first time in his life he has not had employer-provided health coverage. "I worry about where I go next in the way many Americans do," he said.

Like "many Americans," Doug? Fuck you. Most of them aren't coming off six-figure campaign gigs, and sitting around while having enough major political and financial connections to get a job whenever you get off your ass and pick up the phone.

Oh, and those "tax-credits to pay for insurance" plan that you and your candidate were pushing last year? Not sure they'd do shit to help an unemployed economist...

Nelson Award: Irrelevant Douche

This is awesome.






Can't wait to get back to that fake-ass ranch, eh, asshole?

[h/t Angelos]

The Opposite of Change

Somehow this Onion story made it into the US News & World Report...

GOP Envisions Gephardt as Possible Obama Running Mate
By Paul Bedard Wed Jul 2, 12:56 PM ET

Republican strategists trying to game Sen. Barack Obama's choice for a running mate are focusing more and more on the possibility that he might pick former House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt, a friend of labor and blue-collar workers. "Gephardt is the one we're most afraid of," said a key GOP strategist and Bush ally.

Gephardt has run for the presidency and scored well among the types of voters Obama is trying to reach out to--lower and middle-class workers, laborers, and minorities. Another strategist said that Gephardt presents a friendly face of liberalism that would be hard to attack. He also has a deep well of support among House Democrats, who they believe would rally around an Obama-Gephardt ticket, especially the allies of Sen. Hillary Clinton.

I cannot think of a worse potential running mate than this flesh-haired, two-time Presidential loser who reeks of the 80s and the decline of unions. This is the lead asshole who went behind the party's back to broker the deal with Bush that launched the Iraq War—yeah, I'm sure he's at the top of Obama's list. Nobody personifies the feckless, failed Democratic Party of the hopefully soon-to-be past, more than Dick Gephardt.

Put it this way. If Barack Obama were to select Dick Fucking Gephardt as his VP, the first thing I do—after I pick myself up off the floor—is weep. For a few days. Then, I figure out some way to get my donation money back. After that, I'd take my family to Canada and mourn for my country.

Speaking of magazine covers...

...I think this one is pretty damn good...



I hope his wife frames one and hangs it over the fireplace.

3:00 A.M. Was a Long Time Ago

Remember that little sleeping girl in the ad that "needs President Hillary Clinton to pick up Jack Bauer's 3 a.m. phone call or Suburbington gets suitcase-nuked?" Turns out that's old video footage and she'll be 18 in the fall and voting for Obama.

Nelson Award: Client 9

Spitzer Is Linked to Prostitution Ring

ALBANY - Gov. Eliot Spitzer has been caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet with a high-priced prostitute at a Washington hotel last month, according to a person briefed on the federal investigation.

The wiretap recording, made during an investigation of a prostitution ring called Emperors Club VIP, captured a man identified as Client 9 on a telephone call confirming plans to have a woman travel from New York to Washington, where he had reserved a room. The person briefed on the case identified Mr. Spitzer as Client 9.

The governor learned that he had been implicated in the prostitution probe when a federal official contacted his staff last Friday, according to the person briefed on the case.

My first thought when I saw the headline was that this had to be some old thing coming back to bite him now that he's Governor...Then when I see that this just happened last month, all I can think is, "What the fuck is the matter with these fucking guys?"

I mean, seriously. 1. You're in public life and have everything to lose. 2. You are the goddamn Governor of New York. 3. You were a world-renowned prosecutor and asskicking Attorney General fer crissakes! More from the Times (and this is the part that absolutely cinches the Nelson "Ha Ha"):

[...] As attorney general, [Spitzer] also had prosecuted at least two prostitution rings as head of the state’s organized crime task force.

In one such case in 2004, Mr. Spitzer spoke with revulsion and anger after announcing the arrest of 16 people for operating a high-end prostitution ring out of Staten Island.

”This was a sophisticated and lucrative operation with a multitiered management structure,” Mr. Spitzer said at the time. ”It was, however, nothing more than a prostitution ring.”

High-flying Democrat on the rise? So fucking what. By your own measure, Governor, you are nothing more than loser john, cruising the boulevard. Just so happens you were a loser john scheduled to appear on "Meet the Press" the next morning.

Adíos, Governor, you are NOT above the law, yet clearly you think that you are. Get the fuck out. This ain't the GOP.

And for the love of God, why do these assholes take to the podium with their wives next to them? Could there be any more humiliating form of abuse you could heap on someone than to ask them to stand up there with you? We know you have testicles, Governor—they clearly control your actions—could you make use of them now and face the fucking music on your own?

At least you got your ass stung now instead of in the middle of a confirmation hearing in the Obama Administration...

UPDATE: Glenn Greenwald begs to differ. No, Glenn, in the grand scheme of things, this shouldn't be a big deal, nor even a crime if you take it that far, but the fact is that it is a crime. And in Spitzer's case, his booty call became a Federal case when he flew her from NYC to DC. As a guy who made his bones as a tough prosecutor and put plenty of other people behind bars for the same thing and used prostitution convictions to build cases, and moralized about it loudly and publicly—he gets exactly NO sympathy from me (though I feel horrible for his wife). In many ways, his biggest crime, in my eyes, IS hypocrisy.

Oh, by the way, how much does the Governor of NY make that he can spend $5,000 an hour on a call girl and pay for her to travel from NY to DC? Just wondering...

Judge Sentences Vick to 14 Years*

"Well, that's 23 months to you and me..."

The judge was none to happy too hear that Vick been less than candid in his testimony, and felt Vick had failed to accept responsibilty for his actions. Vick's plea called for 12-18 months. The judge said, "Fuck that. Try your comeback in 2010!" and gave him 23 months—the harshest term of all the defendants. He cannot appeal.

Vick also gets three years probation and must serve at least 85% of his sentence—19-1/2 months.

I hope the guards toss his cell with a hungry German Shepherd on a daily basis. Fucking punk.

* Dog years

UPDATE: This little escapade has cost Vick an estimated $142 million. You know what I say to that...

Nelson Award: "I Have a Wide Stance!"

The public bathroom-related sexual exploits of the GOP (Gay Old Perverts?) Party continue...

[TPM link] Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) was arrested in June at a Minnesota airport by a plainclothes police officer investigating lewd conduct complaints in a men’s public restroom, according to an arrest report obtained by Roll Call Monday afternoon.

[...]“At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. I moved my foot up and down slowly...The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area,” the report states.

Craig then proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times, and Karsnia noted in his report that “I could ... see Craig had a gold ring on his ring finger as his hand was on my side of the stall divider.”

Karsnia then held his police identification down by the floor so that Craig could see it.

“With my left hand near the floor, I pointed towards the exit. Craig responded, ‘No!’ I again pointed towards the exit. Craig exited the stall with his roller bags without flushing the toilet.* ... Craig said he would not go. I told Craig that he was under arrest, he had to go, and that I didn’t want to make a scene. Craig then left the restroom.”

In a recorded interview after his arrest, Craig “either disagreed with me or ‘didn’t recall’ the events as they happened,” the report states.

Craig stated “that he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom and that his foot may have touched mine,” the report states. Craig also told the arresting officer that he reached down with his right hand to pick up a piece of paper that was on the floor.

Fortunately for Craig, this story comes out during a week when Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are on vacation, so I won't have any video links like I did for the last Chester the GOP Public Restroom Molester**

To Craig's credit the bowlegged defense is better than claiming the cop was wearing "what looked like a black guy's shoes" and opting for the racist "afraid for my life" defense like the previous perv. Though, like Rep. Allen, he tried to pull rank/bribe/intimidate the arresting officer:

Allen: When Allen was loaded into the patrol car, the statement said, he asked if "it would help" that he was a state legislator.

"No," the officer said.

"Help?" Helps make it funny as hell... Craig tried likewise:

Roll Call quoted the Aug. 8 police report as saying that Craig had handed the arresting officer a business card that identified him as a member of the Senate.

"What do you think about that?" Craig is alleged to have said, according to the report.

Oh, and for the record both of these jackass hypocrits were stalwart defenders of marriage and voted 100% against gays.

*Should we assume he also left without WASHING?

** I had this story set aside as a draft, and after today's story I went back, finished it off and posted it.

Nelson Award: Worse Than "Wash Me!"

Just because I don't (quite) condone this, doesn't mean this punk's not worthy of a "Ha Ha!"...

Hummer Owner Gets Angry Message
Vandals Batter D.C. Man's SUV,
Slash Its Tires and Scratch In an Eco Note
By Allison Klein | Washington Post | July 18, 2007; Page B01

On a narrow, leafy street in Northwest Washington, where Prius hybrid cars and Volvos are the norm, one man bought a flashy gray Hummer that was too massive to fit in his garage.

So he parked the seven-foot-tall behemoth on the street in front of his house and smiled politely when his eco-friendly neighbors looked on in disapproval at his "dream car."

It lasted five days on the street before two masked men took a bat to every window, a knife to each 38-inch tire and scratched into the body: "FOR THE ENVIRON."

"The thought of somebody vandalizing it never crossed my mind," said Gareth Groves, 32, who lives with his mother in a three-story home in the 4300 block of Brandywine Street NW in American University Park. "I've kind of been in shock."

Now, as Groves ponders what to do with the remains of his $38,000 SUV, he has been the target of a number of people who have driven by the crime scene in his upscale neighborhood and glared at him in smug satisfaction.

"I'd say one in five people who come by have that 'you-got-what-you-deserve' look," said his friend Andy Sexton, 27, who is visiting from Arkansas and has been helping Groves deal with fallout from the crime.

It's a pretty big leap from muttering "Jackass" when a Hummer drives by (my reflex), or even partaking in the sport of FUH2, to taking a bat to somebody's wheels. That does suck. But sympathy runs low when your a 32-year-old gangsta-wannabe loser who lives with his mom, drops $40K on jacked Hummer that won't fit in the garage, and in the course of a photo shoot sports $300 worth of footbal jerseys... Here's the video interview where he switches to his Aaron Brooks persona.

"Groves ponders what to do with the remains of his $38,000 SUV..." What to do with "the remains?" Busted windows and slashed tires and he's declaring a total loss and ready to dispose of this thing? I guess the fact that he needed help "dealing with the fallout" means he wasn't man enough for a Hummer to start with.

RELATED: Not sure what ever happened to this legislation to close the obscene SUV tax loophole.

Nelson Award: Fear of a Black Planet

I had what I thought was a pretty clever post written on this, but I'll just leave it to the professionals...



Greatest. Terrible. Excuse. Ever.

Apparently, down South in the GOP, you're better off playing it as a racist pussy than gay…in case you were wondering.

Nelson Award: GOP Moralist First One Snared in D.C. Madam Net

The rank hypocrisy of the GOP is on display yet again. We had Newt leading the impeachment movement against Clinton while in the midst of his own extramarital affairs; the Republican leading the charge against online sexual predators sexually harassing his pages online, and now the "staunch, family values" Senator from Louisiana who ran as "the "Defender of Marriage", slammed his House and Senate predecessors, Bill Clinton, Hollywood, and "Massachusetts values" all while cheating on his own wife. With prostitutes.

[link] Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) apologized last night after his telephone number appeared in the phone records of the woman dubbed the “D.C. Madam,” making him the first member of Congress to become ensnared in the high-profile case.

The statement containing Vitter’s apology said his telephone number was included on phone records of Pamela Martin and Associates dating from before he ran for the Senate in 2004.

His defense? That he did this "several years ago" and has been "forgiven by God and his wife." All that means, asshole, is that you are not only a hypocrit now, but that you were lying when you ran for office.

People had been giving Vitter credit for getting out ahead of the story and making a statement on his own once the phone records were ordered turned over by the Court. ABC News had been poring through the lists and made no connections to Vitter.

Well, evidently the only thorough public guardian left is Larry Flynt. In one day, Hustler tied Vitter to the list and contacted him. Only then did he 'fess up and make his statement.

And the icing? It all comes just after Vitter was the first GOP Senator to publicly endorse Guiliani for President and was appointed to chair Rudy's campaign in the South. Let's review Rudy's staff, shall we? Coke dealer, racist bigot, child molester and now a prostitute-using adulturer. You just can't make this stuff up.

UPDATE: Andrew Sullicvan has the ultimate karmic Quote of the Day:

"I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me,"
[Vitter's wife] Wendy Vitter, 2000, talking about the Clinton scandal to the New Orleans Times-Picayune. Male genital mutilation may be about to have a comeback.

Ha-Ha! Circuit City's Screwed

Time for a new shadenfruede-a-licious feature here in the Land of Fury—I'll call it a "Nelson."

The results from Circuit City's clueless corporate scumbag plan to bolster profits by screwing their best employees are in, and it turns out firing all your best salespeople wasn't such a good idea...

Circuit City's Job Cuts Backfiring, Analysts Say
[WaPo] Circuit City fired 3,400 of its highest-paid store employees in March, saying it needed to hire cheaper workers to shore up its bottom line. Now, the Richmond electronics retailer says it expects to post a first-quarter loss next month, and analysts are blaming the job cuts.

The company, which on Monday also revised its outlook for the first half of its fiscal year ending Feb. 29, 2008, cited poor sales of large flat-panel and projection televisions. Analysts said Circuit City had cast off some of its most experienced and successful people and was losing business to competitors who have better-trained employees.

[...] In particular, the televisions showing disappointing results are "intensive sales" requiring more informed employees, Allen said. "It's a big-ticket purchase for somebody. And if they feel like they're not getting the right advice or are being misled by someone who doesn't know, it would be definitely frustrating. They will take their business elsewhere."