Dammit!

So glad I found out about this at 11:24 p.m. There was one of these in Asheville today and I missed it.

(btw, Scott Kelby gives the most informative and entertaining seminar demo/speech I've ever seen. If you're a photographer or graphic designer, he's worth the price of admission)

GTFOTW

People in Asheville do not know how to drive.

Specifically? They don't follow some key universal laws of the road—such as:

1. When there is a fire truck coming down the road—lights ablaze, siren screaming and massive fucking airhorns blowing the glass out of your car windows—you should pull over and get the fuck out of the way! This happened again today downtown and makes me want to take a bat to the offending car(s). I can see when there's a cop who is using their weak-ass electronic siren intermittently to cut through traffic, that there might be some mystery where it is in relation to you, or possibly even inaudible over your radio, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm seeing people take their sweet-ass time down the road, making their turns or doing whatever the hell they want with 30,000 loud, in-a-hurry pounds of truck on their ass.

2. Merging in traffic means taking turns in a simple every-other-car technique. Even people in NYC understand this shit.

3. When I am crossing the street with one little girl in my arms and the other one holding my hand, and I have the walk signal and you want to turn right, you fucking sit there and wait until I am out of your fucking way, you stupid Land Cruiser driving jackass.

Aargh! I be deservin' the black spot!

I be so busy this tides I forgot all about it

This tides be deadline tides at work an' I barely got online at all. Dasn't look like I missed anythin' 'ceptin' th' collapse o' th' economy. An' John "Commodore Dark Arse" McCain be still a lyin' motherhorker.

Here be this voyage`s story o' me kickin' some ninja ass...

Badass of the Week: Jennifer from Charter

Everybody bitches about the phone and cable company (see Cole, John re: Comcast) and nobody like a good rant better than yours truly. With each repetitive information input, or boneheaded service rep i was forced to deal with, I was composing my post to throw my gasoline onto that blogosphere-wide fire...

After over ninety minutes (over two evenings) of absolutely atrocious phone service trying to establish phone and internet service with Charter Communications in the new house, I finally lucked into connecting to the patron saint of customer service, Jennifer.

I told her about my previous phone fiascoes and she assured me she would take care of everything, and even took my number in case we were disconnected for any reason. After a somewhat slow—but extremely thorough—phone call, I was left with exactly what I want, when i want it, and with a pretty good fucking phone number to boot!

So, once the order was complete, Jennifer asked me if I had any questions...

"Yes, I need your name and a way to tell somebody how helpful you were."

She gave me her supervisor's name and email address—this is what I wrote:

Ms. (Manager),

I am writing to let you know that I received excellent and thorough service from Jennifer this evening. I had spent over an hour on the phone with several different Charter representatives who were all uninformed or unable to help me with what, to me, should have been a simple order for new phone and high-speed internet service. In some cases I was told phone service was unavailable to me, once I was told to confirm availability myself by calling a different number (?!?) and twice I was told service was available, but could not be established until a previous homeowner completed his disconnection by being present at the address (that he no longer controls or has access to) NEXT MONTH for a physical disconnect!

Jennifer was quick to confirm that all services were indeed available, despite the conflicting information in your system, and that I could establish my service at the soonest available appointment—which is the day after tomorrow—not August 1, as I had been told previously.

Had Jennifer not been able to properly provide service to me, I was going to look at alternatives for the services I need and you would have lost a customer before you ever had me.

I hope that by providing my confirmation number (###############) you can access the recorded service calls in reference to my account and hear the excellent service provided by Jennifer in contrast to the horrendous, inaccurate, and unhelpful calls I had previously.

Hopefully this will contribute to better service for me and other customers in the future.

Thank you,
Mr. Furious
Asheville, NC

Rock on, Jennifer!

As for the fucktards in sales, scheduling, billing and whoever the fuck else jerked me around...I hope Jennifer gets promoted and comes around personally to fire each of you in my honor.

FISA—Send a Message

Join the this MyBarackObama.com group at Obama's campaign site to send him a message that we are paying attention to his FISA vote, and are not happy with his planned support.

I don't think it will change his vote—now that he's come out and announced his intention, I'm not sure he'll publicly reverse—but it is important to let the campaign know that they have a continued obligation to the people that made him the nominee.

NOTE: If you've donated already, I think you will have an account already...

I Might Be Moving, But I Haven't Packed My Shitlist Yet

Tomorrow seems to be the day when Steny Hoyer and the House Democrats sell-out on Telcom Immunity in a "compromise bill" that actually gives the President everything he asked for.

Livid doesn't begin to describe me.

Steny Hoyer and any Democrat that supports this is fucking dead to me. Done. I will will join the thousands of bloggers/online people who have already poured $225,000 to fund challengers for Hoyer and the rest of these motherfuckers.

Soon-to-be-President Obama, it is time to lead your party. You have long held the right position on this, but that ain't good enough. As the party's Presidential nominee, you have the power to impact this.

Now.

Do it.

Not simply a vote "NO" next week when this is in the Senate, but a forceful fucking stand. These cowardly fucks need the Lieberman treatment—let them all know that you—and the rest of us—are paying attention. Remind them that Hillary Clinton's War Vote bit her in the ass five years down the road.

Prove to me that you are actually CHANGE I CAN BELIEVE IN.

[As usual Greenwald has the ugly details]

Banana in the Tailpipe

Over the last week Apple updated Safari, and Blogger made me roll the blog over from Beta to "New Blogger". Now my browser crashes constantly from the dashboard—I don't know which to blame! Happening to anyone else? Serious PITA. If this keeps up, I might take the whole thing over to WordPress...

UPDATE: Using FireFox I was able to complete my big Hillary post...no crashes. Seems like it is Safari. FireFox seems fine, it easily imported all my stuff from Sfari, but it is just slightly less attractive. Feels/looks a bit too PC-ish.

The Furious Rules — No. 296

Stores or places of business that have double glass doors must unlock BOTH doors.

Nothing pisses me off more than walking up to an entrance and having only a 50/50 shot of grabbing the right handle. Okay, fine, there are myriad things that piss me off more, but this practice is bullshit and needs to stop. If for some stupid reason they have to leave one locked, they better make it damn clear which door is in use.

Holy Bullshit

Stupidest. Fucking. Legislation. Ever.

Your Congress (not) at work. Read it and weep.

UPDATE: Congress passes stupid resolutions all the time (Freedom Fries, anyone?) and apparently this one was a spiteful response to an earlier resolution offering "respect to Ramadan and the Muslim faith" put forth in October, and this resolution's sponsor Rep. Steve King [R-IA] admitted as much. For spite. Mighty "Christian" of him. At least one could argue that the Muslim one had useful p.r. benefits abroad, and was in response to some ill will and persecution...but still, fucking stupid and not appropriate.

UPDATE 2: King's measure passes overwhelmingly 372-9 [results], with 10 protesting "Present" votes and 40 not voting. Interestingly Dems "Yeas" outnumbered Republicans 195-177. Jackasses all. My Congressman (Old Man Dingell) voted "Yea."

No More Polls or Platitudes. Tell. Me. Why.

Barney...Barney...Barney...Saying it doesn't make it so:

Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank Endorses Clinton

[Here's the quid...] The Clinton Campaign announced the endorsement of Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank and named him as an Economic Advisor to the Campaign.

[...and here's the pro quo...] "I have from the beginning of this campaign believed that Hillary Clinton was the candidate best qualified to serve as President,” Rep. Frank said. “I am convinced that once elected, the qualities she will bring to the job - commitment, intellect, and political skills - will make her an extremely effective [blah...blah...blah] is capable of appealing to the majority of our fellow citizens, and I believe that she is both politically and substantively the candidate best qualified to be our nominee.

Seriously? I am still waiting for somebody to actually explain why this is true. What is it exactly that makes her "most qualified" either "substantively" OR "politically."

If you want substance, a record and experience, Dodd (or even Biden) blow her away. And "politically?" She won based solely on name and reputation in a hand-picked carpetbagger race in a deep blue state. Though it is not entirely (or even mostly) her fault, she is easily the most polarizing political figure outside of George W Bush, and in my estimation actually stands the greatest chance of actually LOSING the election, and costing us dearly down-ticket as well either way.

Somebody please tell me why she is the person we should nominate. I mean somebody besides Hillary herself, a Republican or the retarded oddsmakers in the media.

[h/t: Sullivan]

"Aaahhhgg! Mutherfu..."

That has been the number one thing coming out of my mouth as I too have been crippled with the same mysterious hand pain as Mrs. F today. It happened to me this morning while simply reaching for the baby sling (carrier) off the coat rack.

Me: "Aaaahhhhowwwwww!"
Mrs. F: "What's wrong?"
Me: "My hand. I was just reachin--"
Mrs. F, finishes the sentence, "...up like this? And it hurts in here...?"
Me: "Yeah. Is this what you have? Oh, shit."

Mrs. F said it feels like her hand is broken. It doesn't. I broke my hand two years ago. This is worse.

There's never been much question who around here is the stoic and who is the pussy...and let me just say, I have a new respect for Mrs. F after today.

It seems we have the exact same situation with the radiating pain in the thumb/forefinger area, that just kills with one false move. Caused by a pinched nerve in the shoulder, to which I am assigning blame to that fucking Baby Sling.

How else would we each have the same freak nerve injury?

Piece of shit.

I hope this is better tomorrow. Mrs. F's had it for days at a time before, and I might be too big a wimp to handle that...


If I could make a fist, I'd knock that smile off your face Sling-Lady...

Good Morning!

What's Wrong With This Picture?



I mean besides the fact that we have a bunch of crap spilling out of the garage and that Joe needs to clean his gutters...Look closely...

Anything missing? Like my fucking CAR!!! Yes, folks this is the view that greeted me this morning at dog-walking time. "Hmm, did I park around the corner? Did somebody bor—" Looks down and sees this (hint: it's not mine)...



"Somebody stole my fucking car."

Right from the fucking driveway. And look closely, the door to Mrs. F's car is slightly ajar, they were in there as well...which is almost more disturbing to me than my car being gone. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Didn't happen when we gone on our trip, it happened with all of us home, asleep in the house. When we were gone the car was locked and the keys were in the house.

Of course, the degree of theft difficulty was lessened by the fact that last night, the car was NOT locked, and the keys...were...on...the...seat...

It's true, this is not uncommon in the Furious household. We often leave the keys in the cars. If we are parked alongside the house (ie: not in back by the garage, closer to the street) we are pretty adamant about locking and/or bringing the keys inside. But back there? It's like the "green zone"... At least they didn't get a house key too. Because there isn't one on my key chain. Because we don't always lock the house...

Fuck that. It's going to be Fort Fucking Knox around here now. Those stupid creaky garage doors that hardly open and close? Adios. Getting replaced or re-sprung, with openers installed. New locks all around on the house too. Post haste.

As for me? I'm not even sure what to think about all of this. You'd think I'd be all Derek Vineyard about it, but I'm not. I haven't had the car long enough to be too attached too it, and my anger is mitigated somewhat by the feeling of sheepish stupidity for having left the keys in the car. But somebody DID sneak up my driveway and violate our space. Taking away one of our most valuable and personal possessions. So, no, I am not happy this morning. To say the least.

And it had twenty fucking gallons of gas in it too. Fuck.

UPDATE: Car recovered (see comments).

"Avast, me hearties!" *

Arrggh! Bilge water! I forgot! I canna believe 'tis already been a voyage since Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Evil Jim Rackham be me name an' I be here t' tell ye that ye be havin' t' Talk Like a Buccanneer oince a year, an' today be th' tide.

Excellent sea dog translation t'anks t' this place.

Find ou' yer pirate name here, here or wit' a horkin' quiz here.

Get started now, ye horn swogglin' scurvy cur — or taste me cold steel!

UPDATE: Arrr, twenty nine thin's t' say today at work Gar, Where can I find a bottle o'rum?

* Blatantly cut an' pasted from last voyage. I be slammed today, but needed t' get this ou' thar. Hopefully more t' come.

UPDATE: Inspired by Rickey in the comments...Pirates Versus Ninjas

"Avast, me hearties!"

Arrggh! Bilge water! I forgot! I canna believe 'tis already been a voyage since Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Evil Jim Rackham be me name an' I be here t' tell ye that ye be havin' t' Talk Like a Buccanneer oince a year, an' today be th' tide.

Excellent sea dog translation t'anks t' this place.

Find ou' yer pirate name here, here or wit' a horkin' quiz here.

Get started now, ye horn swogglin' scurvy cur — or taste me cold steel!

UPDATE: Arrr, twenty nine thin's t' say today at work Gar, Where can I find a bottle o'rum?

Misc: `Tis also "Keel-haul th' New York Times Day"

Matt Welch has an excellent follow-up on th' dirty, thievin' Kelo ruling, an' th' stance o' th' New York Times. An' th' fact that they, too, be usin' eminent domain t' screw th' wee guy. Go read 't ye lily livered swabbie.

Links: Hork th' New York Times

Friday`s Paul Krugman column be th' last one that appears fer free on th' NT Times website. From now on, Krugman an' much o' th' other content be behind a paid subscription wall. T'was always annoyin' that after a week, columns became a paid archive, now ye won`t e'en be able t' read Krugman at th' Times site at all without payin' fer 't, the dirty bilge rats.

Krugman`s column be syndicated (avast, he appears regularly in me Ann Arbor News), so ye`ll be able t' find th' lad's online somewhere eventually, but less conveniently. That be unless th' Times has somethin' in mind fer that as well...

Anyway, hork th' Times, an' here`s hopin' this aftfires on 'em profoundly an' in th' meantime, atrios gives us this link which archives all th' Krugman columns. E'en th' old ones th' NYT would try an' sell ye. Arrr, them horn-swagglin' scurvy dogs...

[Most o' this excellent sea dog translation courtesy o' this place.]

Misc: "Avast, me hearties!"

Monday be "Talk Like a Pirate Day," an' t' story be here. Aye, it be hogsheads o' fun for ye and yer friends! So ye best be learnin' t' be talkin' like a buccaneer. Some pirate vocab and phrases are here, and an English-to-Pirate translator is here.

Me pirate name is 'Evil Jim Rackham'... punching in Mr. Furious gets me "The Blood-Letter." I like it!