On drugs: I'm just going to come clean, I have inhaled bags of 'shrooms. I haven't done drugs for the past 20 years, to be really honest. I've smoked, fuck, like six hits off a joint in the last 20 years. I have never done cocaine, ever in my life. I have never done heroin, I have never done speed. I have had my share of acid and mushrooms and I have smoked fields of marijuana, but by the age of 20 I realized, if I don't stop now, I'll never have the chance to be the President of the United States of America.
On immigration: Let me make a musical analogy if I may: I look at America as if it were Wembley stadium—it’s only so big but you can fit a lot of people in it. As president of the United States of America, I promise to rock the fucking house—and everyone’s invited.
On getting out of Iraq: When I'm elected President, my cabinet and I would come up with an exit strategy that would involve no killing, no bloodshed, a safe return home and some sort of compensation...
On family values: You know what it takes? It takes a barbecue. I think that what the country needs now is a good, smoky barbecue—family style, at least once a week, winter months included. Every Sunday. [...] And that’s where I really get to share and learn with my family and fellow Americans. It’s around that grill. It’s two beers, it’s three beers, it’s four beers, it’s 10 beers. This is what America needs—beer, and barbecue. It’s the red, white and barbecue, there it is.
Sounds good. Call him up, Barack, get him working on those barbecues. Put Jack White, David Ortíz, George Clooney, Bono and Angelina Jolie in your cabinet and you've got every Rolling Stone and People and ESPN reader's votes locked up.
Let McCain counter with Ron Silver, Dennis Miller, Ted Nugent and Curt Schilling and see where that gets him.