Monday, October 22, 2007

Baseball: Open Enrollment

An email I received today...This kind of thing goes back and forth annually in the Northeast, but this one is newly updated and has some good lines.

It's long, so I'm putting it in the comments. Enjoy or inflame—your choice.


Mr Furious said...


Thank you for your interest in becoming a member of the Boston Red Sox Fan Club. Due to an unprecedented volume of requests, we are currently processing only fan conversion registrations for New York Yankee fans. Conversion requests from other teams will be accepted once all Yankee requests are processed. We expect this to take a number of weeks based upon the current backlog of requests.

Please take a few moments to fill out the conversion form below to help us get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to recover from your previous fan experience.

Name: _______________________________


Who's Your Daddy: ____________________

1. Please select your favorite recent Yankee new player acquisition(s) (check all that apply):

[ ] Roger Clemens $20 million, six wins, one groin pull

[ ] Alex Rodriquez $92 million, no title, Ha!

[ ] Derek Jeter $123 million since he last won world series

[ ] Jason Giambi $91 million, no title, lots of roid sweat

[ ] Carl Pavano $27 million, five wins

2. Which of the following would you most like to see as the most played YES Network "Great Moments in Yankee History" film clip in 2008 (check all that apply):

[ ] Rivera's "shocking" blown save in Game 4, 2004

[ ] Rivera's "shocking" blown save in Game 5, 2004

[ ] The awesome wild card clincher celebration

[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 1

[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 2

[ ] Jeter’s first GIDP

[ ] Jeter’s second GIDP

[ ] Jeter’s third GIDP

3. Which following designation best describes Derek Jeter's performance in this year's ALDS:

a. Captain Intangibles

b. Captain GIDP

c. Captain & Tenille

4. Finish this sentence: "Alex Rodriquez is...

a. overrated

b. overpaid

c. overdue

d. overly prissy

e. over

5. Select the most vociferous, stupid, and annoying Yankee fan:

[ ] Washed up "comic" hack and Yanks personal “ball” washer Billy Crystal

[ ] Wannabe dictator Rudy Guiliani

[ ] Front-running celebrity phony Jack Nicholson

[ ] Tim McCarver

6. Are you ready to admit that: (Check all that apply):

[ ] Ted Williams was better than Joe DiMaggio?

[ ] Carlton Fisk was better than Thurman Munson?

[ ] Even Manny Ramirez is faster than Bernie Williams?

[ ] Reggie Jackson was a better outfielder than Matsui?

[ ] No self-respecting parasite would invade Jason Giambi?

7. Please indicate your favorite moments in Yankee history: (Check all that apply):

[ ] Alex Rodriquez is traded to the Yankees

[ ] Don Mattingly never wins a World Series

[ ] The Yankees let Clemens get away

[ ] The Yankees get Clemens back

[ ] Giambi's steroid abuse causes his body to collapse like a screen door in a hurricane.

[ ] The bugs eat Joba

7. Have you experienced any of the following after the embarrassing four game collapse? (Check all that apply):

[ ] Headache

[ ] Uncontrolled Anger

[ ] Heartache

[ ] Holes punched in doors or walls

[ ] Nausea

[ ] Smashed TV screens

[ ] Depression and Broken Dreams

[ ] Avoided Red Sox fans for days or weeks

Once you have completed this form, please forward it to Fenway Park. Then burn all your remaining Yankee clothing, memorabilia, and associated reminders. After reviewing your request, the Red Sox Fan Club will contact you with notification of acceptance or rejection.

I hereby acknowledge that the real "curse" is being a Yankee Fan.

I hereby renounce the New York Yankees for all eternity on this the ______ day of ________________, 200__

Mike said...

Oh boy, can't wait til Toast reads this.

Mr Furious said...

What? You don't think his form is already in the mail? Or do you think he's holding out for a Jets/Pats two-for-one deal...